Fesshole 🧻

As a man in my 50s the main reason I masturbate now is to try and lessen risk of prostate cancer, rather than anything sexual.

My husband left me for another woman. Turned out to be the best thing that happened to me as it was like looking after a child, who sat about all day & ate crap food. Saw his new partner in Asda, looking tired & with a trolley full of frozen nuggets. I laughed so hard I cried

Neighbours are selling their house and have one of those fancy Instagram videos with drone footage and a bloke walking around pointing at rooms. No one has pointed out yet that you can see me stark bollock naked in my bedroom window as the drone comes down into their garden.

As the first person in my working class family to do A-Levels and a degree. My dad worked for literally 3 months, 7 days a week, long hours, when I started university to support me to drink and smoke weed. I think he knew, and I got a decent degree.Want to say, thank you Dad x

I used to play chess with an older guy. One evening I pulled the obscure En Passant capture move. He was furious and claimed I was cheating. I left with him shouting. Next day his daughter phoned to say he had died in his sleep. I never told her I think I killed him with chess.

I accidentally left two fake companies on a CV that I sent to a prospective employee: Fairisle Electronics and Recondite Computers. The interviewer spotted the references straight away and we spent the interview talking about sci-fi. I didn't get the job.

For over 20 years, I had a 144p video named Disrobics.avi with someone singing "colony colony colony". No idea beyond that. Last month I finally confessed my secret videos to my now-wife. She instantly said "Call On Me, 2004" then angrily "THIS is what you called me for?"

Matched with a woman on Bumble, and turns out she was one of my students when I taught at school years ago. We met to catch up, but got pissed and ended up shagging. One one hand it was weird, but on the other she's a 32 y/o divorced mum of two now, so it's kinda OK. I guess.

I got fed up of doing all of the work in my relationships. So I stopped messaging everyone first. Then every time someone's first message to me was to criticise me for not messaging them, I blocked them. I haven't spoken to most of my family in five years now, and I feel amazing.

Was in the bathroom and my girlfriend shouted do you want a blowjob. I immediately scrubbed my cock and as she was sucking said "mmm imperial leather". I asked how did she know and she peeled the sticker off my bellend.

Everytime my partner or I go to the shop and buy a treat, like cake, we tell each other by saying "something fell in my basket" in a shy kid voice

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My long affair is about to be exposed as my 16 yr old daughter from my marriage became friends with my 17 yr old daughter from my affair. They're almost identical and there's been talk about ancestry DNA. Nice to have them both in the house though.

I'm an massage therapist (LMT) not a dermatologist, & sometimes a client's back zit is so ripe, I am compelled to put a silicon suction cup on it. I can usually extract the zit, without touching it or client noticing why I'm using the cup. I have done this successfully 4 times.

Teenage me once wanked off to a photograph of Grotbags in Look-In when my mum walked in on me and screamed. It was never mentioned again but I'm still full of shame about it forty years later.